As for my next trick. . . Brush Strokes in my Research Paper draft!

Here are two paragraphs I copied and pasted from my research paper draft with identified Brush Strokes I learned in class. . . I hope I identified and labeled them correctly.

Schooling, an immensely important factor in American society, brings, to those who seek it, knowledge to further enhance their lives. (Appositive) Teachers are the individuals gifting students with information that will bring them success. Those who are or are becoming teachers are introduced to a diverse multitude of students. Since no two students are alike in experiences, biases, cultures, languages or learning styles it becomes the responsibility of the teacher to honor each student’s differences. I decided that I want to work in my home town's high school, Wenatchee High, a large and energetic community of students, which is heavily populated with the Mexican-Hispanic population. (Absolute) Students coming from Hispanic backgrounds are either a second generation or a generation 1.5 individual. Most students identify themselves as Chicano/as. Researching the Chicano language is beneficial to my exploring and understanding of grammatical differences and the social implications between the language and English, which in turn I will use the information to value students’ languages in the classroom.

Chicanos, lively and unique, are individuals who are born in the United States but come from a Mexican culture background. (Adjectives out-of-order) There are two basic generations; second generation and generation 1.5. Second generation individuals know little to no Spanish which in turn makes English their primary spoken, written, and understood language. Second generation Chicanos are believed to have been influenced to lose their native language, at school and other public locations, to learn English. Other persons manage to learn the “cash language” and still are able to retain Spanish: they are known today as generation 1.5. Schooling is a legitimate factor in the diminishing Spanish language among Chicano students. But what can be done to honor students’ languages at the same time teach them Edited American English?     

end of draft piece

I am still having trouble as to how to focus my paper on answering the question, "How do you value students' home languages in the classroom?". I plan on first describing the grammatical differences and social implications between Chicano English and Edited American English. I also plan on focusing on high school students who are learning Edited American English and speak and write Spanish. The teaching aspect is important in my research so I want to explore schools that have classes taught in both Spanish and English (elementary schools in Wenatchee) and schools, more specifically kinds of teachers, that either respect the Spanish language or frown upon the language being spoken in a school setting. I feel like my ideas for the paper are going in all different directions and I need help narrowing ideas down. But do I need to narrow down and specify some more or are my ideas neccesary to my research, thus having them included?

Antecedents and pronouns and commas, oh my!

Paragraph #1

Original

According to the definition, the difference between realism and naturalism is that naturalism has a specific object in mind when they choose the segment of reality that they wish to convey (Campbell). In “Like a Winding Sheet” the dilemma Johnson, the protagonist, is struggling to control is anger and frustrations that develop throughout his whole day. The specific object in a segment of reality Petry decides to make the main point of the short story is the struggle to not punch the women who make him aggravated. The first incident was when Mae, Johnson’s wife, realized it was Friday the 13th and decided that she did not want to go out and work that day but rather stay home. Johnson is a loving husband so what he does was to try to calmly persuade her, which makes him late, “because they spent fifteen minutes arguing before he could convince her she ought to go to work just the same. He had to talk persuasively, urging her gently and it took time. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her roughly or threaten to strike her like a lot of men might have done. He wasn’t made that way” (Petry 1479). This first impediment of the day does not deter him much but it sets up the predicament he faces throughout his entire day.

Paragraph #2

Revised

The difference between realism and naturalism is that naturalism has a specific object in mind when choosing the segment of reality, which writers wish to convey (Campbell). In “Like a Winding Sheet” the dilemma Johnson, the protagonist, is struggling to control is anger and frustrations, which develop throughout his whole day. Struggling to not punch the women who aggravate Johnson happens to be the specific object in reality, which Petry decides to make the main point of the short story. Mae, Johnson’s wife, realizes it was Friday the 13th and decides she does not want to go out and work that day but rather stay home. Johnson is a loving husband. What he tries to do is calmly persuade her, which makes him late. The narrator then explains “because they spent fifteen minutes arguing before he could convince her she ought to go to work just the same. He had to talk persuasively, urging her gently and it took time. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her roughly or threaten to strike her like a lot of men might have done. He wasn’t made that way” (Petry 1479). This first impediment of the day does not deter Johnson much but it sets up the predicament he faces throughout his entire day.

Paragraph #3

Explanations

I omitted “According to the definition” which, in my mind, makes my writing less redundant. Most of my writings tend to be redundant. While highlighting commas I have either included them because most are before the word “which”, which is a relative pronoun following a relative clause thus commas are needed, or due to me including extra information that is not necessary but included to add more detail also known as non-essential clauses. Omitting “they” during “when they choose the segment of reality” because I use pronouns too often and because I made a hidden antecedent and faulty pronoun reference making realism and naturalism the thing choosing the segment in reality when writers are the ones doing the choosing. (The difference between realism and naturalism is that naturalism has a specific object in mind when THEY CHOOSE the segment of reality that THEY WISH to convey. VS. The difference between realism and naturalism is that naturalism has a specific object in mind when CHOOSING the segment of reality, WHICH WRITERS wish to convey.)

I make this change for the same reason to “reality that they wish” and “frustrations that develop”. Rearranging words in a sentence is encouraged so I gave it a try with “The specific object in a segment of reality Petry decides to make the main point of the short story is the struggle to not punch the women who make him aggravated”. “Noticing that I do not have variety in sentence length I attempted to change sentences: “Johnson is a loving husband so what he does was to try to calmly persuade her” I made this sentence into two. I then put the quote in the book in a complete new sentence beginning with “The narrator then explains”, because I use the same words to begin every sentence and I wanted to change up the leading words. Since I included the narrator in the previous sentence I had to make it clear as to whom the word “him” was referring to in the last sentence so I replaced the name with “Johnson” to clarify that it is Johnson who is set up for the struggle not the narrator.

To be completely honest I am not one hundred percent sure that I have correctly supported my revisions and the reasons I gave as to why I revised what I revised.